AIRBRUSH

Alan Hansen doesn't think the premiership is dull but this is hardly surprising coming from a man who works for various organisations with a vested interest in its continuing success. Of course Hansen is famed for his criticism of "terrible defending" and also his allegiance to Liverpoo, so it is very tenable that he is in positively masturbatory mood about recent results.

Hansen may need a box of Kleenex for company in watching Sami and co eek out another goalless draw but as yet he hasn't been as blatant about this desire as Andy Gray was in the embryonic life of the the Sky TV era. I recall that in the post-match analysis following a 30 yard volley from Leeds striker Tony Yeboah he asked Richard Keys if he could take the video footage home with him.

Steady on Andy. He should be saving his loving for Suzanne Dando who, allegedly, was able to lick his balls while he took her roughly from behind - so said popbitch a few months ago.

Having only ever observed TV anchors in their clean-cut telly roles it's always interesting and frankly bizarre to see the gloss emulsified tv sheen peel away. A bit like seeing your parents pissed or swearing like truckers, or indeed hearing that Andy Gray has been at it with a wholesome former gymnast.

On a couple of occasions this year (Charity Shield and The Northern Ireland debacle) such a thing happened in connection with the most airbrushed nice guy you can get - Mr Gary Lineker. Seeing and hearing what you shouldn't see, like the part in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy saw behind the curtain.

I heard Wrighty call him 'Links' which brought to mind the image of Links and Wrighty out on the sniff. Having sunk a few looseners at a Sportman's dinner they have moved on to an exclusive London nightspot and are getting hassled by frantic texts from Lawro who is desperately trying to avoid being stuck with Stubbsy who is keen for a kebab and then bed.

Lineker also said of Viera as he strode up to take the winning pen in the Charity Shield 'I back this, kid he's got a great left foot'. This kid? How can Links be describing Pat Viera as a kid??!! It just didn't sit with the image we've come to know and love. It hinted at a whole different side to Gary.

I'm torn between a fascination with the truth to being the monkey with my eyes and ears covered where Gary doesn't swear or snort coke off a prozzies you know what. Y'see if Dermot Reeve did it...